My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
pop tarts are not kleenex
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
