Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize