dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
