Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
