I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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