He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
