Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
