Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
