I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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