Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
