I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
