idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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