I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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