The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
