i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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