My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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