I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize