Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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