So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
