i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
