I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
