Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize