Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
