I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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