you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I miss vodka workout Fridays
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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