ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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