Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
