Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize