If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Randomize
