Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
