Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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