i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
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