Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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