My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
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