I didn't shave. On purpose
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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