she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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