I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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