Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
