dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
