She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
