I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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