Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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