My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize