Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
