At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
