I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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