My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Acid is not a monday night drug
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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