so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
