if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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