he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
