4 words: hood of his car
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
