Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
