just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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