R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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