also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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