If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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