When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
