I'm lost and stupid without you.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
